Gussy’s Blog

I have just been talking to an ex girlfriend. The only one i talk to, really. She has found a new man. I am so happy for her. Things didn’t end very well for us. It lingered on for a while, she still liked me, I wasn’t into it but i kept things going for myself. I was moving overseas in a few months. Looking back i was confused, and didn’t know what i wanted. I was a bit of an ass. I felt really bad for breaking it off. It was for the best though. I just talked to her on MSN, she is going great guns. I just got a little sad, cause well that was the longest relationship i have been in, it was great fun. I want another, things just seem to get in the way. Distance, former relationships, timing, life etc. I suppose that is why people make them work. I will find one, I’ll just wait patiently till it does happen.
I have moved on from it, learnt from it, and hopefully grown from it as well. There is no malice in our relationship, she is truly a great chick, and the man that snagged her is a lucky man.
Congrats!

Well currently it is Australia day in Australia. I am sitting at home, listening to the Triple J Hottest 100. I was thinking of going out, but can’t really be bothered now. Today was longer than expected. I will have a big day tomorrow. Might drink all day, buy a bottle of Rye Whiskey, then sit on the mountain and drink. Then i don’t need to worry about working on Saturday, so i might have a big one.

You all enjoy your days, live it like a true Australian, even if you aren’t one. Drink have a BBQ and have fun with your friends! That is what i plan on doing.

Over the last few weeks i have been getting lots of compliments. It has ranged from my new found snowboarding abilities to my work as a lift operator even the type of person that i am becoming. One thing that has got me all the time has been the fact that people have said it in the first place. It hasn’t always been Canadians either, Australians and New Zealanders have chipped in. I thought it would be the positive affirmation stuff from the Canadians, kind of like the American thing.

This has surprised me. Why? Well cause of the fact that i normally don’t hear many compliments, it made me think of a post i did ages ago. Don’t get me wrong i do love compliments, they rock! The thing that has shocked me has been the frequency of them and how passionate they are. They are not like ” Your not bad at..” They are positive, like “You rip pretty hard for how long..”etc.

I do value each and every compliment that i get, it makes me feel special. Maybe i should start handing out more? I just don’t want them to appear hollow. The fact that so many compliments have been handed to me over the last few weeks made me scared of the person that i am becoming. Weird? Yeah it is a bit hard to handle receiving the volume that i have. Now i don’t want to appear pigheaded, cause that is the last thing i am. It is just, well not normal. One every few weeks would do me fine. Now let me state that there is nothing about myself that i don’t like at the moment. In fact i am loving life at the moment. It seems as though, most things are going along smoothly. I still have my ups and downs, the news about dad has been a big up. Other situations made life complicated, but still enjoyable. All i can say now is that, i love the compliments, and everything is going so smoothly i love it.

Wow, who would have thought i was so popular. It is just funny. I only write to get things off my chest. I like meeting new people though, so if your a lurker, please de-lurk! I do try and read about everyone else’s life. That is why i like blogging, it is just a way that i can get things off my chest. It wasn’t until i got the link on my Wordpress dashboard that i found this site. It says that I’m ranked at 118, but when you take out doubles etc. i get up to 108. Nice work, for someone who doesn’t really pay any attention to rankings. Oh well, if you like it, please keep reading and commenting. I for sure will keep on posting my thoughts, otherwise you might need to look in a mental home.

Well the threat level has gone down from, Red to Orange. Please rest easier. The MRI came back with no sign of Tumour. So the verdict? Getting very drunk on Friday night!  Seriously though, it was good news to finally get. Dad starts on his chemotherapy again very soon. Just to make sure that everything has been killed good and proper. Then in a few months things might be in the clear, fingers crossed for that. I haven’t had the chance to speak to Mum and Dad yet, hopefully tonight. I got the text at 1am, but it was good to get.

Dad goes for his MRI on the 16th of January. Everyone is a bit on edge to see how it goes. Hopefully it will come up clear. I was thinking about it all day, wondering how it will go. What i would do if the results came back no so good. I’m sure that they will be fine. It just plays on my mind is all.

How good is snow??!! It is almost more fun than surfing. No it is more fun than surfing. It is the best thing. Powder days rock my boat. There is nothing that comes close to it on water or land that I have done so far in my life. The rush is amazing. Oh im getting all excited about tomorrow now. I must change subject, otherwise you will get bored with me.

News coming to me is that Dad is going well, for those wondering. He had a bit of a hiccup with medicines and White Cell Counts being low. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has an MRI on the 16^th of January. More will be known then.

A comment that mum made on my previous entry made me think about not just snowboarding but also relationships. (Yes mum you made me think of something!) She was saying to be myself and express what I feel. The only problem to that is that I did that before and got hurt. Hurt real bad by a lady. I have also had trouble sharing things with my family. I did think I was getting better at sharing my feelings for a bit there.

The world can be cruel, this I know. I try and give myself to it. I don’t want to give it everything so it can take me with it. Turning me into some sort of mean, cruel, bitter person. I want to be a fun person, one that people can enjoy being around. I think I am like that most of the time.

Part of the reason why I don’t want to share the real me is well because of the fact that I haven’t any people that aren’t family to share it with. I have no life long friends that I talk too. They don’t talk to me anymore. Most of my friends are here, online. Some are real and I’m making more here in Canada. Sharing stuff with family can be difficult, there is the whole history thing. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to them about stuff. I sure do. My mouth gets stuck. The other night I wanted to talk to Jess about some things here. I got home determined to talk to her, almost approached the subject a few times in the quick convo we were having. Then she was tired so went to bed. I left and was sad for a bit, so I wrote it down. It got out of my head, it will stay in the drafts folder for a few months. Probably get deleted in the end.

Life seems to be getting more and more complicated as things progress. Life matters, Women, Work, Relationships they all make things hard. I don’t think at times I have the skills to handle it all. Then on other times I can do it, it seems easy. That is mainly when women aren’t involved. They get my head, turn it inside out and leave it there, sorry ladies. I suppose that life getting complicated means that im getting older, more responsibility etc. As I said at times I love all the things that go on in my life. Then there are times that I hate it. At the moment I love it, I want to extend things more, share more with someone special. Even if that someone is Jess, just sharing my thoughts etc. I do think of lots of things, it’s true. The fact that I suppress most of them doesn’t help in starting to get them out there. I also worry that I will be rejected by my real nature, the kinder side of me. The side that family sees but rare for anyone else. Maybe im just a normal guy, afraid of sharing the deeper stuff. Stuff that opens you up, and leaves a whole for anyone to stick in the knife. Who knows, hopefully things can improve, hell I know that I want to, I just have to get this darn mouth a moving!

“I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow”

-Joshua Radin, Winter