How good is snow??!! It is almost more fun than surfing. No it is more fun than surfing. It is the best thing. Powder days rock my boat. There is nothing that comes close to it on water or land that I have done so far in my life. The rush is amazing. Oh im getting all excited about tomorrow now. I must change subject, otherwise you will get bored with me.
News coming to me is that Dad is going well, for those wondering. He had a bit of a hiccup with medicines and White Cell Counts being low. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has an MRI on the 16th of January. More will be known then.
A comment that mum made on my previous entry made me think about not just snowboarding but also relationships. (Yes mum you made me think of something!) She was saying to be myself and express what I feel. The only problem to that is that I did that before and got hurt. Hurt real bad by a lady. I have also had trouble sharing things with my family. I did think I was getting better at sharing my feelings for a bit there.
The world can be cruel, this I know. I try and give myself to it. I donâ€™t want to give it everything so it can take me with it. Turning me into some sort of mean, cruel, bitter person. I want to be a fun person, one that people can enjoy being around. I think I am like that most of the time.
Part of the reason why I donâ€™t want to share the real me is well because of the fact that I havenâ€™t any people that arenâ€™t family to share it with. I have no life long friends that I talk too. They donâ€™t talk to me anymore. Most of my friends are here, online. Some are real and Iâ€™m making more here in Canada. Sharing stuff with family can be difficult, there is the whole history thing. Itâ€™s not like I donâ€™t want to talk to them about stuff. I sure do. My mouth gets stuck. The other night I wanted to talk to Jess about some things here. I got home determined to talk to her, almost approached the subject a few times in the quick convo we were having. Then she was tired so went to bed. I left and was sad for a bit, so I wrote it down. It got out of my head, it will stay in the drafts folder for a few months. Probably get deleted in the end.
Life seems to be getting more and more complicated as things progress. Life matters, Women, Work, Relationships they all make things hard. I donâ€™t think at times I have the skills to handle it all. Then on other times I can do it, it seems easy. That is mainly when women arenâ€™t involved. They get my head, turn it inside out and leave it there, sorry ladies. I suppose that life getting complicated means that im getting older, more responsibility etc. As I said at times I love all the things that go on in my life. Then there are times that I hate it. At the moment I love it, I want to extend things more, share more with someone special. Even if that someone is Jess, just sharing my thoughts etc. I do think of lots of things, itâ€™s true. The fact that I suppress most of them doesnâ€™t help in starting to get them out there. I also worry that I will be rejected by my real nature, the kinder side of me. The side that family sees but rare for anyone else. Maybe im just a normal guy, afraid of sharing the deeper stuff. Stuff that opens you up, and leaves a whole for anyone to stick in the knife. Who knows, hopefully things can improve, hell I know that I want to, I just have to get this darn mouth a moving!
â€œI should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehowâ€
-Joshua Radin, Winter