Awesomeness

How good is snow??!! It is almost more fun than surfing. No it is more fun than surfing. It is the best thing. Powder days rock my boat. There is nothing that comes close to it on water or land that I have done so far in my life. The rush is amazing. Oh im getting all excited about tomorrow now. I must change subject, otherwise you will get bored with me.

News coming to me is that Dad is going well, for those wondering. He had a bit of a hiccup with medicines and White Cell Counts being low. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has an MRI on the 16th of January. More will be known then.

A comment that mum made on my previous entry made me think about not just snowboarding but also relationships. (Yes mum you made me think of something!) She was saying to be myself and express what I feel. The only problem to that is that I did that before and got hurt. Hurt real bad by a lady. I have also had trouble sharing things with my family. I did think I was getting better at sharing my feelings for a bit there.

The world can be cruel, this I know. I try and give myself to it. I don’t want to give it everything so it can take me with it. Turning me into some sort of mean, cruel, bitter person. I want to be a fun person, one that people can enjoy being around. I think I am like that most of the time.

Part of the reason why I don’t want to share the real me is well because of the fact that I haven’t any people that aren’t family to share it with. I have no life long friends that I talk too. They don’t talk to me anymore. Most of my friends are here, online. Some are real and I’m making more here in Canada. Sharing stuff with family can be difficult, there is the whole history thing. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to them about stuff. I sure do. My mouth gets stuck. The other night I wanted to talk to Jess about some things here. I got home determined to talk to her, almost approached the subject a few times in the quick convo we were having. Then she was tired so went to bed. I left and was sad for a bit, so I wrote it down. It got out of my head, it will stay in the drafts folder for a few months. Probably get deleted in the end.

Life seems to be getting more and more complicated as things progress. Life matters, Women, Work, Relationships they all make things hard. I don’t think at times I have the skills to handle it all. Then on other times I can do it, it seems easy. That is mainly when women aren’t involved. They get my head, turn it inside out and leave it there, sorry ladies. I suppose that life getting complicated means that im getting older, more responsibility etc. As I said at times I love all the things that go on in my life. Then there are times that I hate it. At the moment I love it, I want to extend things more, share more with someone special. Even if that someone is Jess, just sharing my thoughts etc. I do think of lots of things, it’s true. The fact that I suppress most of them doesn’t help in starting to get them out there. I also worry that I will be rejected by my real nature, the kinder side of me. The side that family sees but rare for anyone else. Maybe im just a normal guy, afraid of sharing the deeper stuff. Stuff that opens you up, and leaves a whole for anyone to stick in the knife. Who knows, hopefully things can improve, hell I know that I want to, I just have to get this darn mouth a moving!

“I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow”

-Joshua Radin, Winter

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5 Responses to Awesomeness

  1. Em says:

    Hey, im a bit late reading your blog, sorry! Read the replys and it’s true that once stung it’s difficult to let go and do it all again. I think everyone in our family has been through that at some stage in different but similar ways. But nevertheless with what happens in your lady department maybe you can start with us as sisters and see how our relationship grows?? As I personally would love to know you more as my only brother, but jess is a good start.
    love em xoxo

  2. coralie says:

    your mum is a wise woman, gussy. i agree with everything she’s said.

    i know what you mean about not wanting to share *everything* with your family. even if you’re a really open & honest person, they don’t need to know everything about you, so don’t feel bad about not revealing all your innermost thoughts & feelings & experiences with them. they probably know you better than you think they do, anyway, so they do’nt necessarily need to know all the nitty gritty. 🙂

    don’t worry about what people think. just be who you are. like your mum said, when *you’re* enjoying who you are, *other people* will enjoy who you are, too. 🙂

  3. Shell says:

    Nice entry Mate. Just remember that a life lived in fear is a life half lived. And for goodness sake talk to Jess….if it was worth writing and SAVING its worth sharing my friend. Take it easy champy. TALK to you soon ha ha he he.

  4. Kirst says:

    Dear Lucas….I don’t think you are the only one who has these fears and they are real…everyone is afraid of being hurt when they open up…but the people that I value the most in my life are those who I have opened everything up to and they have loved me through it all the ugly parts and the parts that are trully me. You do have to guard against those who will take you for a ride but most will be endeared to you because of who you are and what you share with them…you will never know the trust and friendship of a person until you do share with them who you are and know that you can trust them also. I personally find it very hard when I share something with someone and they share nothing of themselves there is no relationship in that…a one way street that will never bear any friendship beyond the level of the superfical. To develop life long friends you need to start sharing…without that people will drift by you and no friendship will remain as they have nothing of you to hang onto and remember except a shell that you present…we know and love the real you and that is what you have to know beyond a doubt….so start sharing all that you are….if someone does treat you badly it is on their conscience not yours as you know you have given them the opportunity to share…I have been hurt in more ways than one by men…too deep to really even run away from and in some ways it does shape your future interactions…makes you more tepid to plunge head first…but that is their decisions and I still choose the way I want to live and share…someone will love me for me and all my weakness and strengths….with regards to women, I don’t know entirely what went on with Lauren but she was someone you could trust and did love who you were so maybe you should start refashioning those ideas as you were the one that caused the hurt there…so the sword cuts both ways. Just beware of the trap of thinking that it is a mountain to big to tackle as it is in the simple choices that big steps are made….like with Jess you could have gone into her room and sat with her and just said can I talk to you about something for a second….she would have opened to you and you know this…yet it is still your choice. Starting with those you can trust and it will expand to those outside as all flows together…love kirst x x x

  5. mum says:

    Me again…. I worry about you matey. You think too much !!! Just relax and enjoy who you are and others will enjoy you too ! Better to live and lose/get hurt sometimes, than stay safe and never live fully! I also think you could try some positive self talk… like focus on affirming who you are, rather than fighting against who you think you should be ? Try saying stuff like ” I am an open, honest man” or ” I am able to share my true self who those I love”… soemhow you may find this enables you to do the very thing you desire(and I know you do !!) For what it’s worth… when the right person(lady) comes along – I don’t think there’ll be any problem telling her everything you think, feel, dream of, desire, hate etc etc etc….you will WANT so much for her to know everything about you BUT more importantly, you will want to know everything about HER. You won’t be so caught up in you but so focussed on the object of your desire, that YOU won’t matter so much !!!!! well… that’s my prayer for you…. love mum xoxox

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