Alone

I have been feeling it in the last few weeks. The feeling that i miss the company of someone. Sure i have my friends and that is cool, but someone to share my feelings with. I am lonely. I just read something and it has made me think about what i want and everything. I have had an underlying feeling that i am missing something for the last few months. What that is i not sure. I have an idea, but not concrete. 

I was talking with a friend the other night and they were saying that the next bf they want is one that they will have a kid with. Whilst i have thought about having a kid. I know at this stage im not ready for it. Still made me think about it though. In some small way i do want a kid, not just because it is fashionable in Hollywood. Because i want the other half that goes with it.

I look at my sis that has a bub, and see her so happy. I look at my folks and see them so happy. I look at my married friends over here and see them so happy. I just want a part of that, a small itty bitty part. Maybe i just need space to find out what i want, what really matters to me. Everytime that i do that though, i get different results. Wanting different things out of everty situation. I’m confused as fuck. Maybe i need time to decide what i want really. With no distractions, time for me and me alone. Hopefully it is coming in the next few weeks. I am hoping to get away and spend some time doing nothing, just looking at the big blue sky and reading.

Having just re-read what i wrote, maybe i want it so bad i will just settle for anything. I don’t think it is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean that i won’t for a little bit. It isn’t healthy to do that.  I’m going to end this now, before i ramble on to much more.

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3 Responses to Alone

  1. Dan says:

    Well said mom!!! I agree with your mother, when she said its not all that it seems. live is full of up and downs and curves. As John Lennon said, ” life is just what you make it while you make other plans.” you are still young and have time to find the right one. The best thing is to talk it out with family, as your mom said and some you feel close to there in Canada.

    Cheer up you come out of it all right!
    Dan

  2. Aunty G says:

    Lukey, you will know love when it hits you in the face. Don’t pretend or make up for what you think you should be or have… let it be.. hang in there and it will happen.. then take the chance/opportunity by the throat and go with it like a bull at a gate. Sure you have heard that one before.Lou and I are off to Thailand this weekend and know that God will open the way for our next step, whatever that may be. Love from Aunty G. xxxx

  3. Mum says:

    Luke, I really understand and feel for you in what you are saying and I think all of us want what you want. As humans, we are made that way – we crave another human to love, to have as company, to share the good and the bad. What you are feeling is normal. I like the fact that you are letting yourself feel this stuff and are taking the time out, to figure out what is important to you. I see that you have already figured out that settling for second best is not good enough – doing that is a sure recipe for hurt – both for you and the other person. It may make you feel better for a while but not for as long as you want it to. I must say though mate that Dad and I, as well as every other person I know, may look happy in photos but life is not always a happy camping ground for us either – we also go through sad, tough, lonely times – and sometimes, no matter how many people are around, you may feel those things – that also is part of how we as humans operate.

    So, don’t look at us all through “unreal” eyes and think we that we have it all and you have nothing…just one last thought – knowing you as I do, I wonder if being alone is what you really need right now – I think that maybe chatting to those who know you well, may help you solidify those internal rumblings….maybe give someone in your family a call ???? I had figured you were feeling stuff and maybe feeling down – simply because all you kids tend to withdraw into yourselves when you are trying to figure stuff out..more like your dad that way than me…who talks you all into the ground he he… we are all here for you when you want to talk… love you so much, my boy, always, your mum xoxo

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