Gussy’s Blog

I have been feeling it in the last few weeks. The feeling that i miss the company of someone. Sure i have my friends and that is cool, but someone to share my feelings with. I am lonely. I just read something and it has made me think about what i want and everything. I have had an underlying feeling that i am missing something for the last few months. What that is i not sure. I have an idea, but not concrete. 

I was talking with a friend the other night and they were saying that the next bf they want is one that they will have a kid with. Whilst i have thought about having a kid. I know at this stage im not ready for it. Still made me think about it though. In some small way i do want a kid, not just because it is fashionable in Hollywood. Because i want the other half that goes with it.

I look at my sis that has a bub, and see her so happy. I look at my folks and see them so happy. I look at my married friends over here and see them so happy. I just want a part of that, a small itty bitty part. Maybe i just need space to find out what i want, what really matters to me. Everytime that i do that though, i get different results. Wanting different things out of everty situation. I’m confused as fuck. Maybe i need time to decide what i want really. With no distractions, time for me and me alone. Hopefully it is coming in the next few weeks. I am hoping to get away and spend some time doing nothing, just looking at the big blue sky and reading.

Having just re-read what i wrote, maybe i want it so bad i will just settle for anything. I don’t think it is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean that i won’t for a little bit. It isn’t healthy to do that.  I’m going to end this now, before i ramble on to much more.

Woot Woot! Welcome Zachary David Smith to the wide world!! Congrats to Dave and Shell.

Hopefully my pressies make it there soon! Grr for the postal services of Canada and Australia.

I found out about 30 mins ago. I can’t stop smiling. Hopefully i will get photos soon, then it will be totally surreal. I can’t remember the exact details, of how long and how much he weights, but hey i’m an uncle. Fuck Yeah!

Well i have been get cold legs recently. The weather has been hovering around the -20C for the last week. It is very nipply, and leg numbing too! Apart for the cold it has been a good week with plenty going on. The podcasting courses that i am doing have been in the paper. So now i am a small town celebrity. I think it is quite funny, to be written up. I like the attention. For once, my friend Troy “the super fast”, ” i look good in lycra”  Hudson isn’t in there! I got the paper all to myself. He is normally in it somewhere for his Arctic skiing (Nordic).

So after the whoo-haa of my last blog, about the break up. I have realised that yes, i was a jerk and that wasn’t really me. I was trying to distance myself from feeling hurt and lonely. SO i am sorry to all parties concerned. It was never intentional and i do appreciate everyone’s comments on it.  It has taken me a few days, of chatting with various parties, including Sara to realise this. So, yeah, sorry. I guess this really cold has given me some time to think and also made me realise my errors.

Onto more news, the sunrises have been awesome in the cold. I couldn’t think of anything better, than a crisp cool morning and the sun coming up over the snow capped mountains. It is just awesome! totally rad dude! hehe

Well another relationship is over. It is hard cause i initiated it.  I never like breaking up with someone.  It is really hard for me, to see someone hurting. Stupid sensitive side! OH well, i know that i did it for the right reasons, and it is better to have lived and really liked than not to have liked at all.  It’s tough and interesting to see the human reaction of someone that is going thru this. I find it interesting and touching that she cared so much for me. I’m not trying to sound like a cold hearted bastard about it all. I just am looking at it from a human sociological perspective.  Seeing that, that is what sparks my interest.

So at the moment i am sleeping on the couch. Hopefully in the next day or 2  i will be moving out and down the road a bit, to the other end of town.  Closer to the shops and the bars.  It will be a change and i am looking forward to it, something i haven’t had in a while. To wash clothes or cook. Alas it is part of living the single life.

It has been a time of discovery and busyness  for me.  I am moving this week some time, climbing on Thursday. Friday i will be moving again, Saturday i am patrolling the hill and the Nordic trails, Sunday is just normal patrol. Monday i start Podcasting courses, Tuesday i go climbing. So it is going to be a hectic week for me coming up i don’t think sleep will be in the equation.

It is a while in between updates but i find it so damn hard to get time to just sit down and write. Stupid not having a laptop, like a Macbook air. mmmm skinny…..mmm sexy.

You know that lovely Canadian girl i was talking about a few posts back. Well after hiring a car to visit her before i left, calling her from Australia a few times, talking to her here a few times, planning on visiting her when she is nearby with no money to my name. Things didn’t work out. I’ve been Cut off, relegated to the “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” court. It sucks, it quite literally sucks chocolate salty balls. The signs were all good, all around the world. She was thinking of me, and i was thinking of her. Then i came back to Canada. Took 2 weeks to go from good to backseat bad.

If you can find out why it’s not meant to “work”, then great, can you tell me. Cause as far as i know, yeah i have no idea. There was lots of texting going on, back and forth. I guess she had made up her mind a while ago, so i was fighting an uphill battle. There was this line, “your not helping me get you off my mind”. Why the fuck would i help someone to forget me if i like them?? It still hurts to read that line. Is it just me or would you try and do everything in your powers to see them? I know that i did, backfire! boooom!!!!! (room shakes a little and luke walks out covered in the remnants of his heart splattered across his chest)
Oh well, we shall see if things can progress if she comes back in winter.

For me, i would have moved to anywhere she was. It didn’t matter if she was in Peace River, Yellowknife, Nova Scotia, even Rimbey. They all would have been fun, just cause she was around. Unfortunately she doesn’t feel the same, maybe she does but can’t do it just yet? Time will tell. I’m not sure whether to stay in that uncomfortable place of longing for something/ someone you can’t have, or to move on. I know it would be better for my health to move on. I have been stuck in that place of “Friend wanting more” before, it totally fucked me over. I lost weight, got depression, became a hermit effectively. Alas she is a cool chick, and i’m not sure. I need some more time to think about it.

I got an email from one of my sisters, saying that someone is not worth what i have to give if they don’t feel the same way back. For example me wanting to move for this chick, if she doesn’t feel the same way then. Maybe it isn’t meant to be. The bonds will not be strong, as your undying affection is not there. This may be true, but i feel as though it takes time for some people to build that level of affection. If those bonds are there, then you can know that something great will happen. I haven’t found something like that yet, maybe i did. Who knows, time.
It may be a surprise to some that i am a passionate person, i tend to keep a lid on things, keeping it cool. Hard to ruffle up, but when i feel something. I go in hard, commit to it all the way. Maybe when chasing girls, i should back off? Relax and let it go? I did try a bit this time. I also know that it wouldn’t be me, i would feel like i was doing nothing, sitting and watching as the opportunity passes me by. There has to be a balance in there somewhere.
I am turning to exercise at this point in time to get me thru it. I am not hopeful, i usually drop a few kg’s when i exercise to much. At least i’m getting a tan! I know in the end i will be fine, i will get up and live another day. It sucks being in the hurt of the moment, wondering what you could have done to change the past, what you can fix for the future, why it hurts, what you did that made it go so horribly wrong like a car crash in slow motion.
NOTE: I know that i am not thru the 5 stages of grieving yet, but hopefully this will help. That is why it has been password protected, so i am covering my bases and not looking like a jerkface. I really am quite nice and date-able!!

A lot has been going on, almost to much to write about. Feelings are going around my head like a cyclone, spinning off ideas, situations and scenarios. It is all to much. I can’t wait for the eye of the cyclone to hit. Things will be calm, placid and serene. Things are not all bad, there are good cyclones as well. I just want some answers to questions i can’t get answers to. Well time to go have some fun!

I have just been talking to an ex girlfriend. The only one i talk to, really. She has found a new man. I am so happy for her. Things didn’t end very well for us. It lingered on for a while, she still liked me, I wasn’t into it but i kept things going for myself. I was moving overseas in a few months. Looking back i was confused, and didn’t know what i wanted. I was a bit of an ass. I felt really bad for breaking it off. It was for the best though. I just talked to her on MSN, she is going great guns. I just got a little sad, cause well that was the longest relationship i have been in, it was great fun. I want another, things just seem to get in the way. Distance, former relationships, timing, life etc. I suppose that is why people make them work. I will find one, I’ll just wait patiently till it does happen.
I have moved on from it, learnt from it, and hopefully grown from it as well. There is no malice in our relationship, she is truly a great chick, and the man that snagged her is a lucky man.
Congrats!

Well the threat level has gone down from, Red to Orange. Please rest easier. The MRI came back with no sign of Tumour. So the verdict? Getting very drunk on Friday night!  Seriously though, it was good news to finally get. Dad starts on his chemotherapy again very soon. Just to make sure that everything has been killed good and proper. Then in a few months things might be in the clear, fingers crossed for that. I haven’t had the chance to speak to Mum and Dad yet, hopefully tonight. I got the text at 1am, but it was good to get.

Dad goes for his MRI on the 16th of January. Everyone is a bit on edge to see how it goes. Hopefully it will come up clear. I was thinking about it all day, wondering how it will go. What i would do if the results came back no so good. I’m sure that they will be fine. It just plays on my mind is all.

How good is snow??!! It is almost more fun than surfing. No it is more fun than surfing. It is the best thing. Powder days rock my boat. There is nothing that comes close to it on water or land that I have done so far in my life. The rush is amazing. Oh im getting all excited about tomorrow now. I must change subject, otherwise you will get bored with me.

News coming to me is that Dad is going well, for those wondering. He had a bit of a hiccup with medicines and White Cell Counts being low. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has an MRI on the 16^th of January. More will be known then.

A comment that mum made on my previous entry made me think about not just snowboarding but also relationships. (Yes mum you made me think of something!) She was saying to be myself and express what I feel. The only problem to that is that I did that before and got hurt. Hurt real bad by a lady. I have also had trouble sharing things with my family. I did think I was getting better at sharing my feelings for a bit there.

The world can be cruel, this I know. I try and give myself to it. I don’t want to give it everything so it can take me with it. Turning me into some sort of mean, cruel, bitter person. I want to be a fun person, one that people can enjoy being around. I think I am like that most of the time.

Part of the reason why I don’t want to share the real me is well because of the fact that I haven’t any people that aren’t family to share it with. I have no life long friends that I talk too. They don’t talk to me anymore. Most of my friends are here, online. Some are real and I’m making more here in Canada. Sharing stuff with family can be difficult, there is the whole history thing. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to them about stuff. I sure do. My mouth gets stuck. The other night I wanted to talk to Jess about some things here. I got home determined to talk to her, almost approached the subject a few times in the quick convo we were having. Then she was tired so went to bed. I left and was sad for a bit, so I wrote it down. It got out of my head, it will stay in the drafts folder for a few months. Probably get deleted in the end.

Life seems to be getting more and more complicated as things progress. Life matters, Women, Work, Relationships they all make things hard. I don’t think at times I have the skills to handle it all. Then on other times I can do it, it seems easy. That is mainly when women aren’t involved. They get my head, turn it inside out and leave it there, sorry ladies. I suppose that life getting complicated means that im getting older, more responsibility etc. As I said at times I love all the things that go on in my life. Then there are times that I hate it. At the moment I love it, I want to extend things more, share more with someone special. Even if that someone is Jess, just sharing my thoughts etc. I do think of lots of things, it’s true. The fact that I suppress most of them doesn’t help in starting to get them out there. I also worry that I will be rejected by my real nature, the kinder side of me. The side that family sees but rare for anyone else. Maybe im just a normal guy, afraid of sharing the deeper stuff. Stuff that opens you up, and leaves a whole for anyone to stick in the knife. Who knows, hopefully things can improve, hell I know that I want to, I just have to get this darn mouth a moving!

“I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow”

-Joshua Radin, Winter