So this week for me has been a week full of thinking. What have i been thinking about. Well i have been thinking that i don’t want a mediocre relationship. Not that i have one, but i don’t want something that just trudges along. I value both parties to much to do something like that. I want to know that i am valued by and value the lady that i love.
What brought this around? Well i was meant to tell my boss this week that i am leaving, and that i am moving down to the coast. I feel bad having to tell him that i am now leaving. It is kind of a sucky move. I am looking for a replacement now for me. It is hard to find people in this town.
Also another thing that might have brought this on was, watching Family Practice, the spin off from Grey’s Anatomy. So i was watching the episode that the two black people had just broken up. They were wondering if they should be together, and the guy came to the conclusion that he only wanted to be with her cause it was easy. That he was only with her before cause they had a kid together and things were simple and no worries etc. I think that is the message they were trying to put anyhow.
I really do love this town, Golden. It has a special place in my heart and i will miss it immensely. I know almost 1/3 of the people here, and feel like i am a real part of the community. Like i can make a difference. Something that i have never felt before in any other town that i have lived in. In one regard i don’t want to leave as i wonder if i will still like Canada as much as i do now.
I am trying to think of reasons why i am scared. I think that with saying that i am leaving work, that it all becomes real. That i am moving for love, to follow my heart. Something i really haven’t done in, well ever. I have said it many times, but this time it feels different. That scares me. What does the future hold for me? I am not sure, i don’t even want to think about it at the moment. I am only looking to the next even, moving to Victoria, BC. That is far enough for me to be thinking.
Well on Tuesday the 26th August, 2008 at 6.45am. The most significant person in my life (second to my parents) to date walked out my front door, and drove 8 hours away to Victoria, British Columbia. It was a sad day, even now, i get a little teary to know that it will be a while before i see her again. I have enjoyed spending the last year with her. Even if at times it was fucked up and weird. We both learnt lots about us, ourselves and each other. I wouldn’t change anything currently (except maybe for the 8hrs away). We both know that this is the right thing to do, for her. It is tough being here, but im excited about business ideas that are coming to a head and also about what the future holds for me. It is really an exciting time for both of us.
I wanted to keep this short. I also wanted her to know that i’m thinking of her.
I just thought of a statement or saying that i like. You can say it to your girlfriend, wife, lady friend or anyone that you love. It is…
More to hold. More to squeeze. More to love.
I have been feeling it in the last few weeks. The feeling that i miss the company of someone. Sure i have my friends and that is cool, but someone to share my feelings with. I am lonely. I just read something and it has made me think about what i want and everything. I have had an underlying feeling that i am missing something for the last few months. What that is i not sure. I have an idea, but not concrete.
I was talking with a friend the other night and they were saying that the next bf they want is one that they will have a kid with. Whilst i have thought about having a kid. I know at this stage im not ready for it. Still made me think about it though. In some small way i do want a kid, not just because it is fashionable in Hollywood. Because i want the other half that goes with it.
I look at my sis that has a bub, and see her so happy. I look at my folks and see them so happy. I look at my married friends over here and see them so happy. I just want a part of that, a small itty bitty part. Maybe i just need space to find out what i want, what really matters to me. Everytime that i do that though, i get different results. Wanting different things out of everty situation. I’m confused as fuck. Maybe i need time to decide what i want really. With no distractions, time for me and me alone. Hopefully it is coming in the next few weeks. I am hoping to get away and spend some time doing nothing, just looking at the big blue sky and reading.
Having just re-read what i wrote, maybe i want it so bad i will just settle for anything. I don’t think it is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean that i won’t for a little bit. It isn’t healthy to do that. I’m going to end this now, before i ramble on to much more.
Woot Woot! Welcome Zachary David Smith to the wide world!! Congrats to Dave and Shell.
Hopefully my pressies make it there soon! Grr for the postal services of Canada and Australia.
I found out about 30 mins ago. I can’t stop smiling. Hopefully i will get photos soon, then it will be totally surreal. I can’t remember the exact details, of how long and how much he weights, but hey i’m an uncle. Fuck Yeah! 
Well i have been get cold legs recently. The weather has been hovering around the -20C for the last week. It is very nipply, and leg numbing too! Apart for the cold it has been a good week with plenty going on. The podcasting courses that i am doing have been in the paper. So now i am a small town celebrity. I think it is quite funny, to be written up. I like the attention. For once, my friend Troy “the super fast”, ” i look good in lycra” Hudson isn’t in there! I got the paper all to myself. He is normally in it somewhere for his Arctic skiing (Nordic).
So after the whoo-haa of my last blog, about the break up. I have realised that yes, i was a jerk and that wasn’t really me. I was trying to distance myself from feeling hurt and lonely. SO i am sorry to all parties concerned. It was never intentional and i do appreciate everyone’s comments on it. It has taken me a few days, of chatting with various parties, including Sara to realise this. So, yeah, sorry. I guess this really cold has given me some time to think and also made me realise my errors.
Onto more news, the sunrises have been awesome in the cold. I couldn’t think of anything better, than a crisp cool morning and the sun coming up over the snow capped mountains. It is just awesome! totally rad dude! hehe
Well another relationship is over. It is hard cause i initiated it. I never like breaking up with someone. It is really hard for me, to see someone hurting. Stupid sensitive side! OH well, i know that i did it for the right reasons, and it is better to have lived and really liked than not to have liked at all. It’s tough and interesting to see the human reaction of someone that is going thru this. I find it interesting and touching that she cared so much for me. I’m not trying to sound like a cold hearted bastard about it all. I just am looking at it from a human sociological perspective. Seeing that, that is what sparks my interest.
So at the moment i am sleeping on the couch. Hopefully in the next day or 2 i will be moving out and down the road a bit, to the other end of town. Closer to the shops and the bars. It will be a change and i am looking forward to it, something i haven’t had in a while. To wash clothes or cook. Alas it is part of living the single life.
It has been a time of discovery and busyness for me. I am moving this week some time, climbing on Thursday. Friday i will be moving again, Saturday i am patrolling the hill and the Nordic trails, Sunday is just normal patrol. Monday i start Podcasting courses, Tuesday i go climbing. So it is going to be a hectic week for me coming up i don’t think sleep will be in the equation.
It is a while in between updates but i find it so damn hard to get time to just sit down and write. Stupid not having a laptop, like a Macbook air. mmmm skinny…..mmm sexy.
You know that lovely Canadian girl i was talking about a few posts back. Well after hiring a car to visit her before i left, calling her from Australia a few times, talking to her here a few times, planning on visiting her when she is nearby with no money to my name. Things didn’t work out. I’ve been Cut off, relegated to the “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” court. It sucks, it quite literally sucks chocolate salty balls. The signs were all good, all around the world. She was thinking of me, and i was thinking of her. Then i came back to Canada. Took 2 weeks to go from good to backseat bad.
If you can find out why it’s not meant to “work”, then great, can you tell me. Cause as far as i know, yeah i have no idea. There was lots of texting going on, back and forth. I guess she had made up her mind a while ago, so i was fighting an uphill battle. There was this line, “your not helping me get you off my mind”. Why the fuck would i help someone to forget me if i like them?? It still hurts to read that line. Is it just me or would you try and do everything in your powers to see them? I know that i did, backfire! boooom!!!!! (room shakes a little and luke walks out covered in the remnants of his heart splattered across his chest)
Oh well, we shall see if things can progress if she comes back in winter.
For me, i would have moved to anywhere she was. It didn’t matter if she was in Peace River, Yellowknife, Nova Scotia, even Rimbey. They all would have been fun, just cause she was around. Unfortunately she doesn’t feel the same, maybe she does but can’t do it just yet? Time will tell. I’m not sure whether to stay in that uncomfortable place of longing for something/ someone you can’t have, or to move on. I know it would be better for my health to move on. I have been stuck in that place of “Friend wanting more” before, it totally fucked me over. I lost weight, got depression, became a hermit effectively. Alas she is a cool chick, and i’m not sure. I need some more time to think about it.
I got an email from one of my sisters, saying that someone is not worth what i have to give if they don’t feel the same way back. For example me wanting to move for this chick, if she doesn’t feel the same way then. Maybe it isn’t meant to be. The bonds will not be strong, as your undying affection is not there. This may be true, but i feel as though it takes time for some people to build that level of affection. If those bonds are there, then you can know that something great will happen. I haven’t found something like that yet, maybe i did. Who knows, time.
It may be a surprise to some that i am a passionate person, i tend to keep a lid on things, keeping it cool. Hard to ruffle up, but when i feel something. I go in hard, commit to it all the way. Maybe when chasing girls, i should back off? Relax and let it go? I did try a bit this time. I also know that it wouldn’t be me, i would feel like i was doing nothing, sitting and watching as the opportunity passes me by. There has to be a balance in there somewhere.
I am turning to exercise at this point in time to get me thru it. I am not hopeful, i usually drop a few kg’s when i exercise to much. At least i’m getting a tan! I know in the end i will be fine, i will get up and live another day. It sucks being in the hurt of the moment, wondering what you could have done to change the past, what you can fix for the future, why it hurts, what you did that made it go so horribly wrong like a car crash in slow motion.
NOTE: I know that i am not thru the 5 stages of grieving yet, but hopefully this will help. That is why it has been password protected, so i am covering my bases and not looking like a jerkface. I really am quite nice and date-able!!
A lot has been going on, almost to much to write about. Feelings are going around my head like a cyclone, spinning off ideas, situations and scenarios. It is all to much. I can’t wait for the eye of the cyclone to hit. Things will be calm, placid and serene. Things are not all bad, there are good cyclones as well. I just want some answers to questions i can’t get answers to. Well time to go have some fun!
I have just been talking to an ex girlfriend. The only one i talk to, really. She has found a new man. I am so happy for her. Things didn’t end very well for us. It lingered on for a while, she still liked me, I wasn’t into it but i kept things going for myself. I was moving overseas in a few months. Looking back i was confused, and didn’t know what i wanted. I was a bit of an ass. I felt really bad for breaking it off. It was for the best though. I just talked to her on MSN, she is going great guns. I just got a little sad, cause well that was the longest relationship i have been in, it was great fun. I want another, things just seem to get in the way. Distance, former relationships, timing, life etc. I suppose that is why people make them work. I will find one, I’ll just wait patiently till it does happen.
I have moved on from it, learnt from it, and hopefully grown from it as well. There is no malice in our relationship, she is truly a great chick, and the man that snagged her is a lucky man.
Congrats!
|
|