Dad goes for his MRI on the 16th of January. Everyone is a bit on edge to see how it goes. Hopefully it will come up clear. I was thinking about it all day, wondering how it will go. What i would do if the results came back no so good. I’m sure that they will be fine. It just plays on my mind is all.
How good is snow??!! It is almost more fun than surfing. No it is more fun than surfing. It is the best thing. Powder days rock my boat. There is nothing that comes close to it on water or land that I have done so far in my life. The rush is amazing. Oh im getting all excited about tomorrow now. I must change subject, otherwise you will get bored with me.
News coming to me is that Dad is going well, for those wondering. He had a bit of a hiccup with medicines and White Cell Counts being low. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has an MRI on the 16th of January. More will be known then.
A comment that mum made on my previous entry made me think about not just snowboarding but also relationships. (Yes mum you made me think of something!) She was saying to be myself and express what I feel. The only problem to that is that I did that before and got hurt. Hurt real bad by a lady. I have also had trouble sharing things with my family. I did think I was getting better at sharing my feelings for a bit there.
The world can be cruel, this I know. I try and give myself to it. I don’t want to give it everything so it can take me with it. Turning me into some sort of mean, cruel, bitter person. I want to be a fun person, one that people can enjoy being around. I think I am like that most of the time.
Part of the reason why I don’t want to share the real me is well because of the fact that I haven’t any people that aren’t family to share it with. I have no life long friends that I talk too. They don’t talk to me anymore. Most of my friends are here, online. Some are real and I’m making more here in Canada. Sharing stuff with family can be difficult, there is the whole history thing. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to them about stuff. I sure do. My mouth gets stuck. The other night I wanted to talk to Jess about some things here. I got home determined to talk to her, almost approached the subject a few times in the quick convo we were having. Then she was tired so went to bed. I left and was sad for a bit, so I wrote it down. It got out of my head, it will stay in the drafts folder for a few months. Probably get deleted in the end.
Life seems to be getting more and more complicated as things progress. Life matters, Women, Work, Relationships they all make things hard. I don’t think at times I have the skills to handle it all. Then on other times I can do it, it seems easy. That is mainly when women aren’t involved. They get my head, turn it inside out and leave it there, sorry ladies. I suppose that life getting complicated means that im getting older, more responsibility etc. As I said at times I love all the things that go on in my life. Then there are times that I hate it. At the moment I love it, I want to extend things more, share more with someone special. Even if that someone is Jess, just sharing my thoughts etc. I do think of lots of things, it’s true. The fact that I suppress most of them doesn’t help in starting to get them out there. I also worry that I will be rejected by my real nature, the kinder side of me. The side that family sees but rare for anyone else. Maybe im just a normal guy, afraid of sharing the deeper stuff. Stuff that opens you up, and leaves a whole for anyone to stick in the knife. Who knows, hopefully things can improve, hell I know that I want to, I just have to get this darn mouth a moving!
“I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehowâ€
-Joshua Radin, Winter
Well it has been an interesting few weeks since leaving the sunny comforts of Perth, Australia. I’m now living in Golden, Canada. The temperature difference is something to behold. When i arrived in Golden it was a chilly, -11. It then warmed up to a humid -8 where it has basically hovered around for the last few days of being here. Let me try and organise my thoughts, they are all scatter brained at the moment. Sugar usually helps, but seeing as i was just in America, the land of sugar and sweeteners. I think im going to have to take a small break from them. I don’t think i have seen so many lollies (Sweets, candies etc) in my life. A whole aisle full, of individual bars, 10 shelves high, it was crazy. They are not normal size packets either, they are jumbo, extra large, grande ones. It is not good. Anyhow apart from that deviation where was I? Oh yeah that is right, i was talking about something important. It all started when i left New Zealand. (Damn Beth Orton, she makes me think) It was really tough leaving Mum and Dad.
To know that it might be the last time that i see dad in a good state. It is going to be a tough 6 months not seeing him. I’m going to get thru it though (Positive affirmation always helps). I saw Mum and Dad both crying and i thought to myself that i need to hold it together. I need to be strong and not cry. It did partly work. I had it caught in my throat, it slipped out a little, when i was driving off. I think everyone knew what i was feeling though. I was very quiet in the car driving away up to Hamilton. I knew that it would be the last time that i would see dad for a while but i still couldn’t say it. It is not like i didn’t want too. I sure did, but somehow i thought that it would be hollow if i did. I know personally that it is a load of garbage to speak like that, but that is what was running around my head. It sounds stupid to think like that now. I’m stuck looking at these words, in a state of numbness and frustration. Not knowing how to express thru my fingers how i feel right now. They have always helped me in get out what i feel, but now they are deserting me. I left this entry for a few days, hoping to find out what i feel. It hasn’t helped.
I know that the next few months for me are going to shape the way i approach the rest of my life. The way i tackle hard situations. The way i think. The way i feel. The way i interact with the whole human race. It is going to be a daunting but hopefully an exciting time. There is so much to look forward to. I was think that this was going to be a bigger entry. I suppose that i have said enough for now. It might become a bit of dribble, slowly coming out over the next few weeks.
I have been thinking recently about friends. I gave up my childhood friend some 2 years ago. It was a moment that changed my life, for the better i think. Under no reason or thinking was it easy to do. I think to date it is the hardest single decision i have had to make in life. Nothing has come esay since that time. It was a point in my life that changed the way i view myself, my life, my friends, my whole world. Why would anyone want to give up their friends, well to put it simply. I didn’t want to give them up. The place where i was, wasn’t for me. So i moved on. That in no way is meant to be read as a put down to anyone that i know from my childhood.
Since that time, i moved to Perth, it has been tough to make some quality friends. Finally when i go to leave, they are all coming out of the wood work. Friends to me are life. Without them nothing seems like fun, exciting. I will each and everyone of them.
I suppose that is why the last year and a bit has been tough. I haven’t had many that i can count on. That takes time i know, to build that friendship. It just sucks that finally, when i’m leaving to go overseas i am starting to make some really good ones. Ones that i think i can grow with and share anything with. I know that i will make new ones when im overseas, but honestly i don’t think i made enough here to start with.
Many people over the last few weeks have been telling me that i’m “a gentleman” and a “good bloke” or “to nice”. To my annoyment (is that a word) it has bugged me to be the good guy, i only want to be normal. But now, i know that makes me special. I’m old fashioned and well, proud of it. If this is something that draws people to me, well im glad it happened that way. Without it i would still be friendless, and that would be the saddest thing to happen.
I came to Perth with nothing, but my belonging and a sister to live with (She rocks by the way!). I made a few friends over the net, to date i have been treated like a piece of shit by them. Not all of them i must say. Just the majority. The way i was treated was partly my fault i must say, i allowed it to happen/ continue on for too long. That is why i have left them to their world of net talking and name calling. I am better than that. I have value, no one can take that from me. It has been a year in which i grew stronger because of what they did. It has changed me, made me stronger. I went out with one of them as well. The experience has taken me 2 girlfriends, to overcome. Both Women are wonderful beautiful people, who will find Men that treat them the way they want, no deserve to be treated. Told you, im old fashioned!
Im going to finish up now. One final thing i want to say is that you need to tell your friends that they are exactly that, what you mean to them. Life is to short to wonder. Take the plunge, you might get some suprises but that is life. Live it!
You wouldn’t think it looking at me. But I’m close to the edge of Clinical Depression. It isn’t an easy thing to write about, far from it. I don’t take it lightly either, it sucks. I think it has started about 3 weeks ago. Do the maths. Yep, when i broke up with Lauren. Even though i was the person doing the breaking, it still hurt. I shut myself down, didn’t talk to anyone, do anything. I basically become a walking mummy. I felt heartless, cold and distant. I was bored with everything and couldn’t even be bothered to put up a fight when people were trying to make me angry. I’m a person that normally over thinks situations, in the last few months i have stopped even doing that.
Sure things haven’t been perfect at home. With Dad getting cancer, and moving home again, and deciding to move overseas for at least 6 months, working 6 days a week for cash. It has been hard. My response to all of this has been to shut down, and not talk. Sure my family want me to talk, i feel though that it is hard to talk to them about things. Not that i don’t want to but because well it is just weird. Living in Perth isn’t the easiest either, it is a real small town clicky feel. So making good mates that you can talk too is hard. One mate that i would normally discuss things with has just moved over to Belgium to study. I also have lost my previous support network after moving over here to Perth. Basically the last 5 years have been the most moving, changing jobs, travelling, life decisions that i have ever had to make. I think it has just all started to catch up with me, thus being on the edge of Clinical Depression. I’m not there yet. So the meds aren’t being issued as yet.
Basically Dr Julia is checking my Iron levels, cause i look pale and am loosing weight. Then she wants to see me next week to see how I’m going. She did recommend some things like regular exercise, eating better, drinking less alcohol (not happy about that) etc. So already i feel better.
It’s funny what people’s perceptions of you are, cause today we had a group of new people being shown around the office. One of the girls remarked that i looked friendly cause i was smiling. I thought to myself “ha, if only she knew what i was told yesterday”. We then continued to talk about the great view from my window.
So that about fills you in on what is happening with my mental health at the moment. Hopefully discussing this will make other people feel the confident to talk about there problems as well. i know that it is just the start of a loong road for me, but one i hoping will get better as time goes on.
What tragic week for Australia. 2 Favour Sons have died. Earlier in the week it was Steve Irwin. On firday it was Peter Brock. For those that don’t like motor racing, he was a legend of the sport. He won the Bathurst 1000, 9 times. (Its a car race over 1000km/ 500 miles, non-stop with 2 drivers)Competed in everything, and was a truly awesome man. He was 61. It is totally shocking to me that someone with 30 years professional driving experience, can die by loosing control of his car and crash into a tree. It is a sad mood over the whole of Australia at the moment. Wether you are sad because of Steve Irwin, or Peter Brock. 2 legends, one week. Life sucks. At least they died both doing what they loved.
Hasn’t it been a while. Moving and all has been the best fun i can imagine, the many trips up and down the freeway. Mind you i got most of it up in one load in the back of 3 cars. Lots of fun. I am now mostly unpacked and ready to start looking for more steady employment after i get back from Melbourne next week. I have managed to pick up a few days with my old company. SO hopefully that will tide me over till i get a full time job.
Things are going good with Dad. I had to take him into his first Chemo treatment on Monday. Let me state hospitals are crap. I got lost looking for a freaking HUGE hallway. Then i had to find the Oncology room, which is out the back behind a wall, hiding. How dare it! Anyhow i finally found out where i needed to go, after getting directions from 1. An oncologist, 2. my mum on the phone.
Dad has successfully been enrolled in receiving this brand new drug that cost $40k a year, but is getting it for basically free cause of the government is paying for it (thanks PBS system)Â He starts his Radiotherapy in about a months time. That is when things get fun i think, luckly he doesn’t have to wear a bandana, cause well he is almost bald anyhow. 
I am going ok with it all, he as had stiches taken out now, so looks more normal. Things seem to have settled down now to it being a normal part of life. It is funny i never thought it could become normal. It has though, a bad/good normal. There has been support from people all over the place. One good thing though is the fact that we are getting a puppy tommorrow, and another in about 6 weeks. We are going to be overrun with puppies! Hurray, and i will have to look after then. What a shame! 
One is a Black Labrador x Golden Retreiver. The other is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel pure breed, it is going to be fun and hard work at the same time. So anyone wanting to see cute puppies in a few days, check out my flickr account.
Things are looking up at the moment. Hopefully it can stay that way.
I spoke to soon, the Dr came back with the biopsy results. Grade 3 anablastic astrocytoma. That is bad. They are ranked from 1 to 4. 1 is good in tumour language. So it is a high grade tumour. SHIT! He is going back under the knife again next week (Tuesday), to remove as much as possible then starting with both Chemo and Radio therapy. i don’t know many more details yet. Still need to sort this thru my head.
It was all looking good for a few hours. When i got told, i didn’t say anything. I was numb, speechless. This is sucky. I was thinking about it all today. Not a very happy subject. I need to see Lauren. She cheers me up 
Although when i told her, she had a cry for me. She is really tight with my family (seeing that she is my younger sister’s best friend), so i don’t know how she can be so positive and such a support to me.
For many years my dad got criticised in our chruch for being stoic. I think it is now helping all us kids get thru this process. He passed that onto us. In some respects im glad that he did, others well it can hinder things. My older sis remarked the other day “We have to stay strong” I’m not sure if that was for her or for me, but it helped me. At this stage we have to remain as possitive as possible. Lets see how that goes.
*/start possitive power./*
Things went better than expected with dad’s surgery. They couldn’t tell the difference between tumour and brain. Which i hear is a good thing. We now have to wait until the biopsies come back before we can get our hopes up really high. At the moment i’m dreaming that this could be all over. He has a giant horse shoe shaped scar from one side of his ear to the other, held in with staples. I haven’t seen it cause well i will feel ill.
One thing that has come out of this is how strong family really is. It is awesome. It is also proving hard for me to say “I love you” to my dad. I can say “Yeah same” when he says it to me, but the other way is just hard. Its not that i don’t love him. I do, he is my dad. Why wouldn’t i love him? Just those words get stuck in my throat. It is just a guy thing? Do chicks have the same problem? I’m not sure, all i know is that i want to thank everyone for there support. It has been amazing, the words from you have kept me going. So thanks! Lets hope that things keep going up from here!
Well things are getting better. If you could say that about Brain Tumors. Dad has been in Hospital since Tuesday, not cause he is sick or feeling unwell. Nope, just to hold his bed. Ya’ gotta fight the sick off with people that look fit and well. He is in Sir Charles Gardiner Hospital, getting A class meals. Better than home cooked, so i hear. (I gotta get me some of that!! :P)
He is having a Operation to try and remove most of the tumor on Tuesday next (27th June). Going to take about 3-4 hrs. Then he goes into Intensive care for a bit then we start on the Radio/Chemotherapy. The Dr sounds really nice. There is a possiblity that he might become a Hemiplegic. Not looking forward to that, if it happens. Dr it possitive though.
I haven’t visited dad in hospital yet. I’m hoping to on Sunday, all things working out nicely with work. I don’t know if i can be strong enough too. Its funny how the brain works (when there isn’t bad things in there) i feel like it is releasing enough information for me to handle at a time. The whole thing is so large, and so fast. I feel overwhelmed with it all, i still have to do the whole “breathe” thing, Just to get thru the day. We will see what tomorrow holds, and deal with that when it comes.
People think i’m weird. I still smile, about what is going on. Not like i want my dad to die. That isn’t meant to happen for many years. God willing it will be years. I just know that everything is being done that is humanly possible. If (unfortunately) it’s time, then its time. It will suck more than my heart and head can take, but it will have happened for a reason. Make me a stronger person, and i will grow from it. I already know that we as a family have said things to each other that haven’t been said before.
Like my mum- ” I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all you kids - it has been so wonderful for both dad and I to see what had been built into you - the lovely caring wonderful people that you have each become. It has been a blessing to us to see how each of you has responded to this crappy situation. Each, in your own unique ways, have given your love and support and care to us and we are so grateful for each one of you. Thank you my lovelies. “
Until next update, i’ll try and get away from sad stuff. Just it dominates so much at the moment. You understand.
